


Five First Kisses

by OnceUponADestiel (Jems_of_Grace)



Series: Five First Times [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Dean has a good imagination, Destiel - Freeform, First Kiss, Fluff, M/M, daydreaming!Dean, dean/cas - Freeform, diminshed grace!cas, human!Cas, pining!dean, protective!Dean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-07
Updated: 2015-02-09
Packaged: 2018-03-10 22:32:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3305759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jems_of_Grace/pseuds/OnceUponADestiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean is layed up at the bunker with an injury. Sam is out hunting so Cas comes to look after him. Feeling bored, Dean lets his surprisingly vivid imagination wonder...</p><p>Five unrelated scenarios which lead to Dean and Castiel sharing their first kiss.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

Dean yelled in annoyance when he dropped the plate of food he had just made for himself. Eggs with runny yellow yolks splattered and warm freshly buttered toast went flying across the previously clean tiles. The plate cracked into about six pieces, splinters of ceramic dusting the kitchen floor. Dean cursed, staring down at his right leg in frustration. The heavy white cast that encompassed it remained solidly unapologetic in the wake of his anger.

He leaned heavily on his crutch, heaving a deep breath before making his way to his room where he lowered himself slowly down onto his bed, his stomach growling with dissatisfaction. He gingerly lifted his cast leg and rested it on the mattress before nestling his head down into the pillows. His leg began to throb and he bitterly remembered the pain killers which he had mistakenly left behind on the side in the kitchen besides a glass of water, ready and waiting... He gave a short growl in frustration, closing his eyes against the pain.

The whole thing was just incredibly annoying and for the first time Dean had some inclination of how it must have felt for Bobby, stuck in that chair, all those years ago... He wondered vaguely how Sammy was getting along. He'd gone out on a hunt, couldn't wait around with his older brother any longer - people were dying out there... It was bad enough with one Winchester out of action - the world couldn't afford to loose two.

Dean had said it was fine. He could look after himself. Stay safe.

He must have lay around like that for a good half an hour before he heard it: the sound of someone letting themselves in through the bunker's front door. Dean froze, listening. It couldn't be Sam back already; he was working a case two states over and he'd only set off a couple of hours ago. He shouldn't be back until the following day, at earliest.

So then, who?

Or what?

His instincts finally kicking in, Dean pulled Ruby's knife out from under the mattress, the memory foam settling back into place without the slightest creak. He was well aware that in his current predicament he stood next to no chance against any assailant but that wouldn't stop him from fighting until his very last breath.

He heard the sound of footsteps padding through the bunker, heading towards his room. The footsteps paused outside his door and Dean waited with bated breath. To his surprise there was a brief knock on the door and a deep growly voice called out, 'Dean?'

He breathed a sigh of relief and couldn't help grinning as he said, 'Hey, Cas. C'mon in.' The door swung open revealing a slightly dishevelled Castiel, messy black hair sticking up all over the place, trenchcoat blown backwards, tie on back to front, a not unbecoming dark shadow of stubble clearly visible across his jaw. It looked as though he'd come in a rush. Then again, maybe not. It was always hard to tell with Cas. 

'Hello, Dean,' he said with his usual formality. 'Sam called. He told me what happened.' he stared pointedly down at Dean's plastered leg. Dean rolled his eyes. He should have known that Sam would call Cas - his 'little' brother just couldn't keep his nose out. 

'I'm fine, Cas. You didn't drive all the way here just because of this?'

'I was in the area...' he said, avoiding looking at Dean as he said it. Yeah, right - he recognised one of Sam's lies when he heard one. 'Sam says that I should look after you.'

Dean scowled, feeling a slight blush rise to his cheeks. 'Did he now?' he said furiously. 'Well, as it happens, I'm coping perfectly well without Nurse Joy-' he said sarcastically, gesturing to Cas's own scowling face, '-helping me out,' he finished defensively. 

Cas raised his eyebrows. 'Really? I passed through the kitchen on my way to your room.' It took Dean half a minute to figure out what Cas was getting at. When the implication of his words hit home, Dean groaned with aggravation.

Shit! The food!

He closed his eyes, despising this unaccustomed vulnerability. 'I'm fine, Cas!' he said with more force this time. He glowered at the angel who smirked at him. 

'Sam said you would say that. You really are incredibly stubborn, Dean Winchester.' A minute passed in which they continued to stare each other out. Dean broke first, as usual. He just couldn't cut it. He didn't want to look away but even from the distance of the doorway, Cas's stormy blue eyes seemed to bore straight into him. They had a way of making him feel exposed, like they could see past all the shields he put up to defend himself from the rest of the world... 

'Fucks sake, Cas!' he muttered under his breath. 

'I only wish that I could still heal you,' he said suddenly. 'I am sorry Dean. Since my borrowed grace has begun to diminish again, I find myself virtually powerless...'

Dean stared at his friend, his heart breaking for him. He looked so forlorn... 'It's all right, Cas. Don't worry about it. It'll heal up soon enough on its own.' Cas looked sceptical. Dean figured they were kind of in the same boat; both of them somewhat reduced versions of who they ordinarily were, their capabilities irritatingly limited. Dean didn't have the heart to take this from him too. 'Okay, okay! He gave in with exasperation. 'You can look after me,' he muttered, unable to look at his friend as he said it. When he did chance a glance up, Cas was smiling widely at him, a big beautiful toothy grin that made Dean's heart pound a little too hard. He couldn't look away.

'Would you like something to eat?'

'Um...' Dean answered awkwardly - it was weird accepting help. 'Um, yeah... yeah. Thanks, Cas... that'd be great,' he said looking away from his friend and rubbing the back of his neck. 

Cas nodded with another smile. God, he's cute, Dean thought, helplessly. 'I'll just clean up the kitchen first and then I'll bring you some food,' he said, sounding freakishly happy in Dean's opinion.

He left the room and Dean stared after him, unable to shake the image of that smile from his head. Bright white teeth, the perfect curve of his mouth. Plush pink lips, heavily chapped... He found himself wondering, not for the first time, what it might be like to kiss those lips. 

He shook his head as though physically trying to dislodge the image from his mind but to no avail. It wasn't like he hadn't had these kind of thoughts about his friend before but that didn't make them any less disconcerting. 

It had always been like this really. He'd felt physically attracted to the guy since day one but he'd been quick to shrug that off, not wanting to be hampered by some weird interspecies crush but as time passed he grew to realise that it was so much more than that. Unexpectedly, Cas had stuck around and it had become harder to ignore with every passing second that he spent in the angel's company. 

He had never done anything about it though. 

It wasn't that Cas was a guy - or at least an angel in a very much male vessel - although that didn't exactly help. Dean had long ago accepted, albeit reluctantly, that he was often times as attracted to men as he was to women. Sure, he pushed that part of himself down as far as it would go, gave it as little attention as possible but he could no longer deny that he was aware of it... especially after what went on when he was a demon... Before his brief black eyed experience, he had never really let those particular desires have any room to breathe - sure, he might have occasionally jacked one off over some hot guy he had come into contact with that day but he'd never actually been with a man.

His could care less demonic self hadn't wasted any time on self-conscious self-loathing, let alone giving a damn what anyone else thought. 

Looking back, he regretted not figuring that out whilst he was human. He might be ashamed, not to mention embarrassed, about some of the things that he got up to as a demon but on the other hand it had been very freeing.

And it left him with certain bridges crossed that he suspected he'd never have had the nerve to cross as a human. Maybe left him free to explore that part of himself further. Maybe with someone he cares about. 

He remembers contemplating it once, years ago. That had been before he'd found out about Cas's betrayal. It had broken him. For a long time, things were strained, to say the least, between him and Cas. But even through all that, his feelings for the angel never went away. They changed; shrunk, grew, developed and morphed... but never disappeared entirely. 

It was when Cas had been human that Dean realised just how far he himself had fallen... 

And now, here he was today, Cas waiting on him hand and foot - it made Dean cringe. He didn't think he would ever have it in himself to actually tell Cas how he felt, let alone, kiss him. 

And so he continued to wonder, safe from rejection, hidden inside his own imagination. Kissing Cas... but no, he thought, if he ever found the courage to go for it, he knew the circumstances would have to be exceptional. 

As he waited for Cas to come back, Dean let his thoughts drift...


	2. One - Protective

They had been hunting late in an abandoned building on the edge of some nowhere town. A vampire had been nesting there with some of his favourite toys.

Sam, Dean and Castiel had tracked him down after a couple of long days and had been hoping to sneak up on him alone in his own territory before he went out and did more damage.

They had a plan, of sorts... Stay together, three against one - how could they loose?

As they edged around another deserted corridor with Dean in front, he turned to beckon the others to follow and that's when he realized. 'Sam - where's Cas?'

Sam, looking nonplussed, turned to stare around at the recently ex-angel only to find nothing but another empty corridor behind him. 'Um, dunno - he was there a second ago-' he hadn't even heard him leave... how long had he even been gone for?

Dean swore and Sam gave him a worried glance. 

'He'll be fine.'

'He's not an angel any more, Sam!'

'I know... but he still knows how to fight-' just as the last word left his mouth they heard an almighty ruckus above them and what might have been a scream. Sam winced. Dean's eyes were wide and panicked. 'C'mon,' Sam muttered and he led the way past his brother to a flight of stairs at the end of the corridor. 

Dean pelted up the steps, two at a time whilst Sam proceeded more carefully; the steps looked half rotten and he wouldn't be surprised if they caved in. 

At the top of the stairs, a corridor branched out towards three rooms, each fronted with a closed door. All was quiet now, there was no way of knowing where the noises had come from. 

Sam opted for the door on the far left whilst Dean took the two on the right. After a quick glance through each door, he knew the rooms were both empty. Meanwhile, Sam was hissing his name across the corridor. 

'Dean! Dean!'

'I know!' Sam was peering through the glass at the top of the door. Dean shoved him to the side and stared. Cas was being tied to a pipe on the opposite wall. Something had been stuffed in his mouth to prevent him from talking and Dean felt a sickening feeling in the pit of his stomach. There wasn't just one vampire, there were three and with Cas all tied up, they were outnumbered. 

A couple more bodies were strewn along the floor, hands shackled to low hanging pipes. All of them were motionless, their skin shockingly pale. 

The three vampires had their backs to him but any of them might choose to turn around at any second. Maybe they thought Cas had come to the warehouse alone. Cas caught his eye and subtly nodded. Good, he knows we're here. Cas looked back to his captors as though listening but their voices were too low to hear through the closed door. Dean wondered what they might be saying to him...

Meanwhile, Cas could hear every word, loud and clear. 

'Look what the bat dragged in,' one of them said sarcastically, slapping a second vampire on the back. 

'Something juicy,' said the third with relish and Cas felt sick to the bone. 

'Bet it's got no idea what it's walked in on, has it!' said the second, apparently delighted that he would get to be the one to tell him. 'We're vampires, man!' and he gave a short maniacal laugh, revealing sharp fangs besides his ordinary human teeth. 

Amateurs, Cas thought bitterly. How had he managed to get himself tied up by these goons? Idiot. Dean would be furious with him if they got out of this alive. 

'It's a pretty one, this one,' said the first vampire, staring hard at Cas but he wasn't really paying him any attention. He had just seen Dean's face through the glass. He nodded, almost imperceptibly but he knew Dean would have picked up on it. He looked back at the vampire, trying to not let the relief of being found, show on his face. 'Real pretty.' The other two vampires smirked. Cas figured the best he could do to help Sam and Dean would be to keep them distracted. He fought hard with his tongue and spat out the dirty rag that had been shoved unceremoniously into his mouth. The vampires laughed.

'Oh look, he's got bite too!' one of them jeered. 

'That's a pretty little mouth you've got there, boy. Nice pink lips,' said the first vampire. 'Think I might like to shove a thing or two between them.' Cas thought he might actually vomit. 'Think I might like to shove something between your legs too,' he said quietly, walking closer to Cas who could only stare aghast as he began to unbuckle his belt.

Cas began to loosen the rope binding his hands, luckily it hadn't been tied very tight. They had probably been banking on him being too scared or too shocked to bother making a run for it. Not to mention they thought he was alone for some reason and they were in the middle of freaking nowhere. 

Sam and Dean had been quickly formulating a silent plan on the other side of the door but all of that went out of the window, the second Dean realised what the vampire was doing. 

Without a word of warning to Sam, Dean kicked down the door with a huge bang that shook even the walls. Sam stared wide eyed at his brother as he lost control. The vampires looked around simultaneously, apparently not so cocky any more. 

Dean butchered the first with a quick machete to the head. Sam quickly did the same to the other, neither vampire had seen what was coming before it was all over. 

The vampire with his pants half way down was looking annoyed now but Dean didn't care. Dean moved towards him but before he had a chance to so much as raise his weapon, Cas's wrists were somehow free and he was running at the vampire in one fluid motion, knocking him face first onto the hard floor. Cas straddled the vampire hard between his thighs and whispered throatily in his ear: 'Not so pretty now, am I? I'm an angel, you ass!'

Dean stared down at him open mouthed. Cas gestured for him to pass over the machete and Dean silently complied, feeling a little shell-shocked by Cas's behaviour. The vampire seemed to know that it would be useless to fight and lay silently waiting, resigned to his fate. Cas hacked his head off with a few short thwacks. Cas looked back up at Dean with a hard lined expression that was clearly meant to say: look, I can handle myself. But Dean wasn't buying it. 

'What the fuck, Cas?!' If he really had still been an angel, he would have taken that moment to fly off. How dare he question me? How dare he make me feel incapable. How dare he make his opinion of me, matter so much to me... Without his wings, Cas felt helpless. He avoided Dean's steady glare as he got to his feet and before he could say anything else, headed towards the door. 'Hey, Cas! Hey!' he reached out a hand to grip Cas's forearm but Cas shrugged him off and disappeared out into the corridor. 

Dean stared after him, feeling something not unlike an electric shock, buzz through him. 

He looked around at Sam who was checking to see if any of the bodies from the vampires other victims were still alive. Sam looked up, shaking his head mournfully. 

'All dead.'

'Damn! Fucking bastards!'

'You should go talk to Cas.'

'What?' and he almost asked why but he knew the answer to that really. 'Right,' he said instead and thundered out of the door in a hurry. 

'Cas?' he called out when he reached the empty corridor. He practically leapt down the crumbling stairs and reached the bottom just in time to see Cas's retreating back heading out of one of the warehouse's side doors. 'Cas! C'mon man!' he ran out of the door after him and grabbed his forearm again, successfully this time, holding onto it with more force than was probably necessary.

'Leave me alone, Dean.' He said in a dejected voice but instead Dean shook him.

'No! What the hell, Cas? We had a plan! What happened?'

Cas couldn't look at Dean, couldn't bare to see the disappointment and confusion there - it was just too much... 'I-I thought I could handle it on my own.'

'You're not an angel any more, Cas.'

'Yes, Dean. I am aware of that. You really think I don't know that? You really think that I'm not aware of that every single second that I have to ride out this useless human existence?'

'I'm sorry and I know it must be hard adjusting and everything,' he made a gesture, indicating Cas's body. 'But when hunters work together, they really have to work together, if you get my drift... You can't just go off like that! Anything could happen!'

'I know, Dean.' Cas stared hard at him, willing him to understand. 'But I had to try. I feel powerless... useless... '

'You're not useless,' Dean said quietly staring him dead in the eyes. 'I get it, it's different but you've just gotta find new ways to feel powerful and useful...' he felt stupid saying something so corny, Sam was better at this kind of thing. But Cas seemed to understand.

'That's quite profound for Dean Winchester.'

'Yeah, well...' but he couldn't look at Cas any more. 'Did they hurt you, Cas?'

'What? No. I mean they shoved me around a little hard but they didn't bite me. I may have a few bruises but no serious wounds or anything.' Dean nodded but didn't seem satisfied with his answer. 

'I mean... um...' he rubbed the back of his neck nervously, not sure about the most sensitive way to broach the subject. 'I saw what that one vamp was doing...'

'Oh,' understanding dawned on him. 'Well he didn't have chance, luckily you came in just in time.'

'When I saw what he was doing... what he must have been thinking of doing... I dunno, man... I just lost it...'

'Well, thank you for that. If you hadn't 'lost it'-' he raised his hands to make quotation marks. '-things probably would have ended differently...'

'I know. If he had hurt you-' Dean began furiously.

'He didn't though. I'm fine and he's dead. Probably wondering around Purgatory right now wondering what happened.'

'Don't leave like that again.' It was more a question, a polite request, than an order and Cas nodded, agreeing to the terms. Dean seemed pretty shook up by the whole ordeal. 

Dean was looking at him again, reaching out a shaking hand, cupping his stubbled jaw gently and then more firmly as determination set in his eyes. 

Cas stared wide eyed, completely motionless as Dean leaned in towards him, really close, closer than Dean was normally comfortable with. Neither man looked away or even blinked. Cas felt like he was breaking the rules. He was slightly breathless as he said, 'What about personal space?'

'Fuck it,' said Dean softly and he closed his eyes, leaning further forward into Cas's face, kissing him full on the mouth. Cas still had his eyes wide open but he kissed back eagerly. It was short, sweet and affectionate but managed to convey so much emotion. Cas felt Dean's tongue enter his mouth and slide briefly over his own. His eyes flickered closed and he reciprocated the movement. Moments later they broke apart, faces still close together, neither looking away. Dean rested his forehead against Cas's and pulled him in by the waist, pulling him close until their bodies were pressed flush against one another. Cas thought he could stay like this, with Dean, forever.

'Um, guys.' Sam's voice. 

'Shit!' Dean broke away from Cas and tried to look innocent. 'Sup, Sammy?' 

'Um,' Sam looked between the two of them. 'So we're all packed up. Bodies have been... dealt with... Are you - are you ready to go?' Sam had had no idea what he'd been about to find when he'd come around the back of the building.

'Yeah, sure. We're on our way.' Dean gave Cas a quick look but neither man said anything, both wondering how much Sam had seen. 

Cas got into the back of the Impala whilst Dean helped Sam pack the last machete into the trunk. Sam looked at his brother sideways. 'We're you two just kissing?'

'No!' said Dean hotly. 

'Yeah, you were,' said Sam with a grin. Dean didn't respond until they were both sat down in the front of the car and then, as his hand hovered over the ignition, he stared straight ahead onto the dark road and admitted:

'Yeah, we were.'

Sam grinned again. 'I knew it!'

'Yeah, yeah. Don't be such a sap, Sam.' But Dean didn't mind the teasing really. He turned on the engine and looked into the mirror before he pulled away. He could see Cas sat in the back, staring back at him. They smiled knowingly at each other whilst Sam groaned exasperatingly in the background. Dean put his foot down, suddenly he couldn't wait to get back to the bunker!


	3. Two - Passionate

_'Screw that,' Dean chastises his own imagination. What if Sam didn't react that way? What if he was shocked... horrified... revolted..._

_Dean shook his head. He had been enjoying his musings and thoughts of his 'little' brother's reaction had spoiled that._

_Besides the last thing he wanted was for Sam to interrupt what could be potentially a perfect moment between him and the angel..._

_'Nah, I'd have to get him out of the way first... make sure he wasn't going to walk in on anything...' and make sure he doesn't find out, he added silently, aware that he had been talking to himself._

_Cas entered his room bearing a tray and looking pleased with himself, a cheerful grin on his face that made Dean grin helplessly back - I'm so screwed, he thought to himself._

_'I've finished cleaning the kitchen floor,' he said proudly. 'And I made you this,' he added, resting the tray on the edge of the bed. Dean sat up and looked down at the tray wearily. He had some doubts about Cas's cooking ability. To his relief he found a double decker sandwich and a black coffee. No one could go wrong with a sandwich, right?_

_'Thanks, Cas. This looks great. Err... what's in the sandwich?'_

_'Well, your food supplies are pretty low so I had to compromise with what was left. Not knowing whether you would prefer sweet or savoury I did a combination-' Dean paused_ _with the sandwich half-way to his mouth. 'The first layer is cheese and pickle, the second layer is peanut butter and jelly,' he seemed oblivious to the look of dawning horror on Dean's face. 'I think you'll find it's a satisfying mix.' He seemed so happy with his solution that Dean didn't have the heart to break it to him. Wow, you really can go wrong with a sandwich._

_'That- that sounds great, Cas...' he said in a slightly high pitched tone of voice._

_'I made one for myself too.'_

_'Cool... you gonna eat in here?' Cas nodded, looking pleased again - apparently he'd been waiting for an invitation. When did he get so socially refined, anyway? Dean wondered, letting his mind wonder again as Cas left the room._

 

 

_______

 

 

Sam was staring at Dean as he hung up the phone, an unusually bright smile on his face.

'Was that Cas?' he asked curiously.

'Yeah. Says he's gonna come up later 'cause he's not far off.'

'Right,' Sam waited for Dean to elaborate but when a few seconds passed in which Dean just looked cheerfully around the room, Sam's curiosity peeked and he just couldn't stay silent. 'So?'

Dean looked at his younger brother, apparently baffled. 'So?'

'So - did he have some good news or something?'

'Um,' said Dean, their conversation seriously lacking eloquence. He figured he had already reported the good news - Cas was coming over! It took him a second to realise how that might sound if he said it out loud to his brother. 'No, not particularly or anything... why?' he felt a little edgy now. What was Sam getting at? 'Was you expecting some or somethin'?'

Sam stared hard at his brother - did he really have no idea how obvious he was? 'Um, no reason. Not expecting anything... Did he say something funny or-'

'For fucks sake, Sam. What is this - twenty questions?' Dean barked defensively.

'No,' said Sam slowly, like he was talking to someone very dim. 'You just suddenly seemed like you were in a really good mood, is all. Like, you're actually smiling and stuff... ' he trailed off lamely. 'For us that's kinda creepy...' he didn't want to push it too far but Sam had been noticing for some time how his brother's entire disposition would switch whenever the angel walked into a room, like the difference between a bright light bulb flickering to life in a previously dark room...

'I dunno what you mean,' Dean grumbled, which was the exact response that Sam had known was coming.

'Whatever, Dean,' Sam said, deciding there and then to change the subject - he'd had enough awkwardness for one day. 'I'm gonna try and find out some more about this case, 'kay?' They continued for the remainder of the afternoon, trawling the internet for something that would give them a clue as to what they were dealing with but they seemed to hit dead ends at every turn. Sam was growing increasingly irritable, whilst Dean continued to act uncharacteristically chipper in spite of a serious lack of leads. 'You know, I'm seriously starting to doubt that this is even our kind of thing.'

'Yeah, maybe...' Dean said. Ever since Cas had called his head had been spinning, trying to figure a way to get his brother out of the motel that wouldn't make him suspicious. 'What time's the library open till?'

'Um, dunno, why? You got something?'

'Nah, it's probably nothing,' he said off hand, deliberately trying to sound disinterested. Not that he was exactly having to act or anything. It really wasn't interesting in the slightest. 'Just wondering if there'd been any more of these kind of deaths. Could look at the records, see how far back they go...'

'Dean, that could take forever.'

'Yeah, I know.'

'Why, anyway?'

'Um,' said Dean, quickly trying to make his head think up something believable. 'Well. there's been two, similarish, right - ten years apart.'

'Right.'

'So, just want to see whether it goes back any further - can't see anything on here though but the records might have - '

'You mean, if it's some kind of ghost from however long ago.'

'Yeah, then we'll have a better chance of figuring which corpse to gank, right. Should check it out, right? Just in case.'

'I know. I get that, Dean. It's just a bit of a stretch is all, don't you think. I'm seriously starting to think this is a regular human murder, plain and simple. A horrible murder but still... not our thing.' Dean was certain his brother was right but he really needed him to take the bait.

'You might be right but I dunno, I just got that feeling, you know?'

Sam squinted his eyes suspiciously at his older brother. 'Not really, no.' Was Dean trying to get him out the way for some reason? He decided to test his hypothesis. 'Hey, if you get the feeling, maybe you should go check it out. I mean, just in case.'

Dean scowled, hearing his words repeated back to him - Sam was on to him. 'C'mon, man. You're better at all this research stuff-'

'Fuck off, Dean. I know you're just trying to get me out of here.'

Dean widened his eyes, innocently. 'I dunno what you mean.'

'Sure you don't.' Sam watched his brother return grumpily back to his laptop. He seemed completely absent from the task, checking his phone a couple of times, even glancing around at the door for no particular reason that Sam could figure. And then it hit him. Cas was due any time now. Crafty fucker, Sam thought with a smirk. Trying to get me to do a load of pointless dead end research just so he can have some alone time with his angel... He stared absent mindedly at his brother, thinking of the way he'd smiled earlier on the phone and the good mood he'd been in ever since. There was no doubt about it, Cas was good for him... and now, trying his damn hardest to get him to leave so that they could be alone together? Maybe he was finally thinking about doing something about it?

While Sam was having this epiphany, Dean was furiously trying to think up a new plan to get Sam out of his hair - maybe he could suggest Sam going to get food. Nah, it wouldn't be enough time. Dean didn't let himself think enough time for what? He wasn't entirely sure what he was doing himself and it was too scary to look it in the eye, he just knew the first step was getting Sam out the way.

In another split second, Sam made up his mind. He cleared his throat loudly and Dean looked up, apparently a little flustered. 'Um, y'know. You might be right.'

'Yeah?'

'Yeah. I think I'm gonna go the library. Check it out, like you said,' he said aloud whilst really thinking of checking out the local bar.

'Cool,' Dean said, grateful relief washing through him. He couldn't let Sam see that though.

'Yeah. Don't wait up for me, 'kay?' He grabbed his jacket and left their motel room without another word, making Dean wonder what exactly had changed his brothers mind. He didn't have much time to ponder it though before he realised; he'd done it, he'd got his brother out for the evening. Then the nerves really kicked in. Cas could be here any minute.

He did a quick scan of the room ensuring it wasn't too messy and then checked out his reflection in the bathroom mirror. Normally he was so sanguine in these situations. Not that there is a situation, he continued to tell himself whilst checking that there was no food stuck between his teeth. He knew he looked kind of tired but that was nothing new. So, not perfect but I'll do. He gave himself a quick smile, trying to find some of his usual confidence but the Dean in the mirror looked half terrified so it wasn't very convincing in his opinion.

That was when he heard a knock at the door. He gradually opened up, weary in case it was Sam back for some reason. But it wasn't Sam. It was Cas. And he really shouldn't be so surprised by that seeing as he was expecting him.

Cas was stood, framed in the doorway, looking a little lost, like he wasn't sure that he should be there at all. 'Hello, Dean,' he gave his usual greeting.

'Hey, Cas,' he answered, hating how breathless he sounded. But seriously, look at the guy. His dark hair looked even more windswept than usual, his mouth set in a thin line that ever so slightly lifted up in the corners in a small smile. And then there were his eyes, startlingly blue, they looked at Dean in a way that made him feel naked. It should embarrass him but Cas has always looked at him like that, you could say he was used to it. Or you could say that he didn't mind any more, that he even maybe wanted Cas to look at him like that...

They just stood there staring at each other for some time, neither saying a word. Dean hadn't seen Cas in weeks and he found himself greedily drinking in the image of his best friend.

'You wanna come in, or what?' he asked at last, shaking himself out of a daze.

'Yes, that would be good.' Cas answered smiling and stepping forward, closer, right into Dean's personal space but Dean didn't step aside to allow his friend to pass. It was that smile, it made his breath catch slightly in his mouth and he forgot completely what he had just asked his friend. He found himself staring at his mouth in a way that was almost definitely rude. 'Are we going in, Dean?'

'Yeah,' Dean said but without actually moving.

Cas cocked his head on one side curiously. 'You seem different, Dean.'

'Do I?' had Cas figured out what he was working himself up to say? It was just so hard with him stood right there in front of him.

'Yes, you seem... nervous, I think...' Dean wanted to laugh off his comment but he didn't have it in him. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! 'Are you all right, Dean?'

'Fuck,' was all that came out of Dean's mouth.

'Pardon?'

'I want to... I mean-' Cas thought that he seemed incredibly flustered, he just didn't understand why. And then it spilled out of Dean's mouth in a rush that took Castiel a moment to decipher. 'I-get-that-you're-prob'ly-gonna-say-no-and-I-get-it. It's okay but I-just-really-wanna-kiss-you-right-now.'

'What?' Cas was astonished and he still wasn't entirely sure what Dean had said.

'Can I kiss you,' Dean said at a slower pace this time, more breathless than ever. He was staring Cas dead in the eye with steely determination now.

'Yes,' said Cas hesitantly, still somehow not entirely sure what he was agreeing to. But then Dean was in his face, eliminating the short space between them, one hand on his stubbled jaw and then his lips were pressed against Cas's own, the other hand curling around Cas's waist. For half a second, Cas was just caught there, staring at Dean's beautiful incredibly close up face, freckles standing out, long eyelashes fluttered closed. Cas's eyes were blown wide in shock but then his instincts and senses caught up with one another and he let his eyelids fall closed. He pressed back into the kiss and Dean groaned ecstatically into his mouth, more with relief than anything. For a second there he was terrified that his friend wasn't going to reciprocate the gesture. He pushed deeper into the kiss and Cas seemed to be really getting with the programme now, kissing back with a kind of fervour that felt astonishingly good. Dean let his tongue slide out, flicking along his bottom lip and Cas opened up eagerly beneath him, letting Dean lick deep into his mouth. He took a step backwards taking Dean with him as their tongues slid against one another, doing battle, each fighting for dominance. Cas took another step backwards, curling his hands tightly into Dean's jacket. Dean moaned again, never wanting the moment to stop but desperately needing to come up for air.

Dean broke the kiss, breathing heavily. Their faces were still close together. Before he could say anything in explanation, Cas growled. He took Dean's face into one of his hands, the other still gripping his jacket tight, and dove in for a second kiss, wheeling Dean around and forcing him into walking backwards until his back hit the wall opposite to the motel door. It was probably the most arousing experience of Dean's life. He felt something in his pants twitch accordingly. Cas pressed deeply into him as the kiss continued and Dean found himself bucking up a little into the friction, so incredibly turned on.

Cas broke the kiss this time, smirking across at Dean. 'Fuck, Cas!' Dean gasped.

'Yes, I think you'd like that wouldn't you?' he growled in a low voice, sounding incredibly dirty and Dean groaned as the angel accompanied his words with a slow thrust up from his hips. He could feel Cas's own growing bulge, right there.

'So- so would you?' he said back. It was more a question than a statement.

'Yes.'

Dean grinned. He suddenly remembered they were in the corridor of a very public motel and anyone could come by any minute, including his brother. 'Fuck!' he found himself taking hold of Cas's hand and leading him with a smile back into his room, closing the door very firmly behind him.


	4. Three - Sleepy

_Dean was grinning helplessly to himself as he slipped back out of his trance. He realised from the tightening in his pants that he'd maybe been enjoying that one a little too much and with Cas about to return at any second, he didn't have time to do anything about it. He quickly pulled the quilt over him in case his friend should notice anything and tried to think unhappy thoughts. It was a struggle and he kept finding his mind returning to his previous musing. That was a good one. Might do a sequel. There's definitely room for err... embellishments... He was still grinning a little foolishly when Cas walked back into the room. The sight of his friend stood in the doorway did nothing to lessen the bulge beneath the duvet. Shit!_

_'You seem uncharacteristically cheerful,' Cas said pausing in the doorway, double decker sandwich on a plate in one hand, a glass of water in the other._

_'What? Do I? What d'you mean uncharacteristically?' he felt himself wilt a little at his friend's comment but that was more a relief than anything._

_'It means you are behaving out of your ordinary,' he answered in all seriousness._

_'What?' Dean said again. 'No. Fuck off. I know what it means!'_

_'Why then, did you ask?'_

_'I meant- urgh!' Sometimes Cas was next to impossible to talk to. 'I meant... you think I'm not usually cheerful?'_

_'No. You're not.'_

_'I guess, since I've known you a lot of bad stuff has happened...' Cas nodded solemnly and Dean could almost see the way the words were affecting him. 'Not your fault... well mostly not... but y'know... we've been through a lot and all...' he trailed off lamely not entirely sure he was doing a good job of making his friend feel better._

_'You used to be cheerful more often, before we met,' he stated, nodding as though he understood perfectly but Dean was horrified by the conclusion he had drawn._

_'NO!' Cas stared at his strong reaction. 'I mean, like sometimes but... that's before I went to Hell and stuff... Why is this so hard to explain?'_

_Cas shrugged in a way that was almost ridiculously human. 'I brought you your medication,' he said, finally coming into the room, setting his sandwich and the glass of water down on the bedside table. He took the painkillers out of his pocket and handed them over to Dean. Dean stared at the tiny white pills in his hand and felt a sudden rush of affection for his angel. He'd half forgotten about the pain in his leg since he's begun to let his imagination run away with him. Cas could be very distracting..._

_'Thanks, Cas...' he said feeling oddly touched by Cas's thoughtfulness. 'You sitting down?' Cas perched on the edge of Dean's bed and Dean felt his heart beat pick up at the close proximity. 'You know,' he started, feeling suddenly brave. 'I do still feel cheerful sometimes. 'Specially when I'm with you...' Cas looked doubtful but didn't comment on Dean's words. Instead he said:_

_'You haven't started eating your sandwich.'_

_'Yeah, well... I was waiting for you,' he wondered if Cas would be surprised at this unusual display of manners from Dean Winchester of all people but he didn't say anything. 'Tuck in,' Dean said with another grin._

_Dean raised his sandwich to his lips but didn't take a bite. Cas on the other hand took an enormous bite and began to chew, Dean watched his expression wearily, half worried his friend would actually enjoy the weird combination but to his relief, Cas began to frown and then a look of absolute horror filled his features before he swallowed looking like he was going to be sick._

_'Something wrong, Cas?' he asked with false concern._

_'Yes. That sandwich is most unsatisfactory. Don't eat it, Dean?'_

_'Are you sure? It looks pretty good to me,' he said sniffing the sandwich and nodding with fake enthusiasm._

_'No, Dean! Don't!' and he grabbed the plate out of Dean's hand, standing up so he was out of reach. 'I'll- I'll make you something else.'_

_'It's okay, Cas. Don't worry about it.'_

_'No! I must be capable of making you something that is at least edible,' he looked so disappointed in himself as he stormed out the room, both plates of sandwiches in hand._

_Dean smiled after him. So cute, he found himself thinking again. He took the pills with a large gulp of water and then settled back into his pillow, prepared to let his imagination run wild again. He'd need something less hot this time, if he was to avoid another hard on. Maybe something a little more chaste? He could do chaste, right? It might be difficult but he'd give it a go. It was like his room clouded over as his imagination took a hold..._

 

 

\-------

 

 

It had been the longest week of Dean's life, or so it felt. Day after day of the most boring research coupled with the usual monotonous feeling which such activities left you drowning in. This was followed by a twenty hour stake out, watching and waiting on the sidelines of some suburban street. Taking turns to sleep with Sam before being on hyper alert for nothing to happen. Then, when the wendigo finally showed its furry face, it hadn't just gone down nice and easy with a couple of shots like they'd planned. Oh no. He was a fighter, stupid evil fucker, Dean would give him that.

When they finally checked into a motel that evening, the men found themselves both sore and exhausted. Ignoring their own hunger, the pair of them flopped down on their separate beds with barely a murmur of goodnight. Within minutes Dean could hear the soft snuffling of Sam's snores, irritatingly drifting across the short stretch between the two beds.

He stretched out feeling the tension in his muscles as he tried to find some comfort in the stiff lumpy motel mattress beneath him. He should have been too tired to care but he was missing the comforting familiarity of his memory foam and the peaceful silence of their separate bedrooms. He couldn't wait to get back to the bunker. He groaned, his joints aching with utter dissatisfaction but he nuzzled his face into the almost completely flat pillow regardless, determined to find some kind of sleep.

Just as he began to drift off, to his exasperation, he heard a soft knock at the door.

He sat bolt up right, suddenly very wide awake. Sam rolled over, muttering under his breath but continued to snore. Dean grinned knowing exactly who he would find on the other side of the door. He released the latch and smiled sleepily at his friend. 'Hey, Cas.'

'Hello, Dean. I apologise if I awoke you.'

'Nah, s'okay, Cas. I wasn't asleep yet anyways,' he said, yawning enormously. He'd forgotten that Cas had said he'd be dropping by some time. He dropped back down on his bed with even less grace than earlier. 'Sorry, I'm exhausted.'

'It's quite all right, Dean. You and Sam need to sleep.'

'So do you, these days...' Dean said staring bleary eyed up at his friend. His blue eyes stared unblinkingly down at him making Dean smile. It was weird how much more comfortable the bed felt, now that his friend was here.

'I can manage awhile longer.'

'Haven't you been driving ages?'

'All night,' Cas confirmed.

He probably wouldn't have offered if he hadn't been so tired, but his self-consciousness seemed to have all but evaporated now that he was on the brink of sleep. He held up a hand towards the angel and said, 'You can sleep next to me, if you want,' he yawned again. Cas blinked - which seemed to be angel language for 'I'm extremely surprised' - but didn't say anything. Wordlessly he took a hold of the proffered hand. Dean tugged gently, too tired to actually find the strength to even slightly budge Castiel but it didn't matter. Looking solemn eyed, Cas crawled into the bed next to Dean so that they were facing one another. He was careful to leave a sizeable space between their bodies but didn't let go of his hand just the same.

Dean smiled sleepily across the pillow at his friend. He might regret this in the morning (especially when Sam caught on) but right now it didn't matter (he was still snoring away, apparently completely unaware that an angel had just walked into the room. His face was turned towards the opposite side of the room, away from Dean's bed). Dean moved closer into Cas's space so that there was barely half an inch between their noses. Cas stared wide eyed at Dean, not looking even slightly sleepy.

'Your eyes are so fucking blue,' he said in a half whisper.

'Yes. Yours are very green,' he whispered back, looking extremely confused.

Dean closed the remaining gap between them to press a sleepy kiss to Cas's pink chapped lips. Cas stared, apparently more shocked than ever but he caught on quickly, closing his eyes and pressing his lips back into Dean's. It was one of the sweetest softest kisses of Dean's life but never the less sent his body running through with tingles.

He could barely keep his eyes open as he whispered; 'Cas?' He wanted to tell his friend everything. How he'd wanted to do that for years. How he wanted to do it again in the morning. How he thought he might be in love with him...

'Go to sleep, Dean,' Dean smiled as his friend pressed another soft kiss against his lips and he drifted off into sweet dreams.


	5. Four - Urgent

_That had been a sweet one. But, reflected Dean sadly, I'd never have the nerve to actually do that... no matter how tired I was..._

_It all came back to the original point he'd made to himself. The circumstances would have to be exceptional._

_Fuck, I'm such a coward, Dean thought exasperatingly as Cas walked back into the room. Once again he was carrying a tray and he shuffled over to Dean's bedside, apparently nervous._

_'I made an omelette,' he said, looking worried 'but I'm not sure that I did it right.' Dean looked apprehensively at the plate Cas placed in front of him. 'I followed a recipe,' he motioned to his phone. 'It claims to be easy but I think it's lying.' In truth, it looked more like Cas had presented him with scrambled eggs as opposed to the omelette he claimed to have made but, Dean prodded the yellow fluff with his fork, at least it was cooked through. He had even placed some of those cherry tomatoes on the side that Sam was always buying for his salads._

_'Cheers, Cas. This looks awesome,' he waited on tenterhooks whilst Dean took his first tentative mouthful. 'It's good, Cas.' Cas breathed a sigh of relief. 'You got some too?'_

_'No. You're out of eggs.' Dean nodded thoughtfully. 'You want some of this.'_

_'Um...' he obviously felt like the polite thing to do would be to refuse, after all, he was supposed to be looking after Dean but his stomach growled treacherously and he found himself, once again, cursing his ever diminishing grace._

_Dean grinned understandingly. 'Sure you do.' He shovelled a healthy forkful together and found himself gesturing absent mindedly, 'C'mere.'_

_If Cas found it strange that Dean would proffer his own fork, he didn't say anything. Instead he stooped forward and opened his mouth. Dean felt his breath hitch again as his heart picked up a heavy beat. Somehow he managed to feed Castiel the egg without dropping any and he found himself loading up another forkful, impatiently, knowing he was only using this as an excuse to stare at his friend's lips._

_Dean continued to feed Cas, occasionally remembering that the eggs were meant for him and feeding himself a forkful but always retuning to his friend again. Cas's eyes were on his the whole time, he sat down on the edge of the bed after a few minutes so he wouldn't have to stoop and Dean's heart felt like it might bust out of his chest with the intensity of its beats. If he had enough nerve (Cas was more than close enough) he could lean forward and kiss him._

_He stared unabashedly at the pink plush of his lips, they seemed rough, chapped and he wondered what the texture would feel like pressed up against his skin. He found himself deliberately dropping the fork so he could scoop up the mini tomatoes on the side of the plate and pop them into Cas's mouth and let his fingers brush briefly against his skin and if the tips of his fingers lingered overly long against the roughness, well that was nobodies business but his own. Cas certainly didn't seem to mind, least ways, he didn't mention it. He just kept staring, apparently figuring that this was a perfectly ordinary exchange between friends. Indeed when there was only one tomato left on the plate, Cas's fingers beat him to it and pressed it up against Dean's lips. Dean stared, wondering if he'd been caught out but maybe it didn't matter any more. He took the plump little fruit into his mouth and began to chew. There was no doubt about it, Cas's fingers had definitely lingered over his lips longer than strictly necessary, he had his head cocked slightly to the side and stared from Dean's lips to his eyes as Dean continued to eat. Eventually he took his fingers away and stared down at them as though something was puzzling him but he didn't say anything and for the first time in a long time, Dean felt an awkwardness between them. Fuck, I've screwed this up._

_Dean continued to stare at Cas's face for what felt like the longest time. Cas looked up from his hand, catching Dean watching him, a slight crease appeared between his eyebrows. Busted._

_'Did you finish your coffee?' he asked at last._

_'What? Oh- uh, yeah... it was good...' he trailed off lamely._

_'I'll go clean these up,' he said, gathering up the tray, plate and empty cup._

_'You don't have to do this, man.'_

_Cas's frown deepened. 'I know that... but I want to.' Dean stared and then blurted out somewhat rudely._

_'Why?'_

_'I- I don't really know...'_

_'Oh.'_

_'I think maybe because... it gives me a purpose.'_

_'Purpose?' Well... it wasn't what Dean had expected to hear._

_'Yes,' Castiel said, nodding with enthusiasm at the theory as though convinced by it. ' When I was an angel I always had a purpose. There was always instruction, commands...'_

_'You're still an angel.'_

_'Not enough of one to meet the demands of my kind. Sometimes I wonder the point of it all now I have no purpose to follow. It's frustrating. Depressing.' Dean stared at the sincere words his angel spoke. It was not what he had wanted to hear either. 'So thank you for this,' he couldn't look at Dean because he felt the dishonesty in his words even though his friend couldn't see it. He stood up from the bed and left the room without another word._

_Dean stared after him, the door standing ajar. He couldn't fathom the mind of his friend, the mind of someone who wasn't truly human. He wanted to believe that he hadn't_ _heard the whole story but it was too difficult... It was much easier to slip out of reality and take a stretch through his own imagination... everything seemed much easier there..._

 

 

_____

 

 

They were scouting the woods for clues. Not Dean's favourite part of a hunt anyway what with watching out for nettles, tripping roots and the odd bear but even worse considering the fact that it was well below zero. A fine layer of snow seemed to cover pretty much everything making the work much harder than it might ordinarily have been. Any tracks they might have found seemed to be covered or gone. He only hoped the others were having more luck than he was. They had split up a while back, hoping to cover more ground.

Should have worn those fucking gloves, he thought, admonishing his past self for insisting on being such a 'man' about the cold. Sam would be thrilled. Cas at least had had the sense to wrap up warm. This comforted Dean for some reason. He rounded a patch of trees, thinking vaguely about heading back for them but around the other side he came across a large expanse that seemed almost completely devoid of trees. The snow seemed to have fallen heavier here too, there were seemingly no plants, no anything for several metres. And there on the other side, just coming around another stretch of trees, was a dark shape. He was about to duck back into a less exposed area that he might spy from when he recognised the green bobble hat. His face split into a smile without his even being aware of it. 'Hey, Cas!' he called across the blank expanse. He was closer now, he could just make out his friend smiling back at him, a little wave that made Dean's heart stutter. Then Cas started to cross the snow towards him.

It was then that Dean noticed a few plants sticking out around the edges of the apparently blank stretch. They were frosted over but there was no doubt about what those long thin green leaves were - reeds! 'Fuck! Wait! Cas!' But Cas had already stopped, he was less than half way across but he was looking down at his feet, a deep frown across his fore head. 'It's a lake or somethin'-'

'I'm aware of that, Dean,' he heard his friend mutter in a voice that growled with disdain. 'The ice is cracking.'

'Fuck! You gotta go back.' Cas took one nervous step backwards, still watching his feet and to Dean's horror, there was an almighty creak and some of the ice gave way behind him. 'Fuck, fuck, fuck!' Dean started scrambling around the edge of the lake, desperately trying to reach the other side. Meanwhile Cas was experimentally playing with his foot placements and Dean's heart was in his mouth. 'Fuck, Cas! Stop! Lie down or-'

'Dean, I-' but it was too late. With another loud splinter, the ice gave way entirely beneath his friend, who plummeted down into the icy water beneath him. 'CAS!' Dean screamed, running full pelt between the trees now and all he can think of is everything he's never had the chance to say to his friend.

He reached the other side just at Cas made it back to the surface of the water, gasping, drawing huge rattling breaths that terrified Dean more than anything he had ever heard. He found himself on his hands and knees before he knew he had made the decision, crawling across the remaining ice, unaware of the biting sensation through his palms every time he set one down in front of him. He reached his friend who was threatening to sink back down, his face barely breaking the water. Dean reached out a hand and Cas struggled to lift his own to reach it but then his hand slapped down against Dean's palm and Dean clamped onto it before it had a chance to slip away. 'Fuck! Cas, I got you.' Cas spluttered as he gripped back. 'I got you, Cas,' Dean repeated. 'It's gonna be all right.'

Cas allowed himself to be pulled across the short stretch of water, doing his best to help by paddling his arm but he lacked a great deal of finesse, partly from a lack of experience, partly because he was wearing a thick heavy coat that was now drenched through with icy water. It felt like he was trying to lift a rock. The water which had long since seeped through the rest of his clothes was making him feel sleepy and as Dean dragged him out, gasping and shaking onto the ice besides him, he thought he'd never be warm again.

Dean hadn't let go of him yet, he was feeling his head, his pulse, the breath from his mouth and then he was stripping the sodding coat from him body, taking off his own jacket and wrapping it around him, wrapping his arms around him, desperately trying to send him some of his body heat. Then he was pulling slightly back before colliding has lips against Castiel's and kissing him with a desperate kind of urgency, trying to express his every affection for the other man through this simple gesture. Cas responds almost automatically, he has waited for this so long, kissing back, sinking into him, curling an arm around Dean's neck and pulling him closer, as close as physically possible and to his surprise a flame of warmth seems to kindle somewhere deep within him. And then Dean is whispering shakily into his ear. 'Don't fucking scare me like that, Cas!' But Cas can't respond now because hypothermia is beginning to set in and he is shaking so much that there is little doubt in Dean's mind that his mouth wouldn't work properly anyway.


	6. Five - Controlled

_Dean let the imagery dissolve around him, giving way to the very solid foundations of his room. He didn't feel particularly satisfied after that last day dream. The trouble was he wanted to believe that these things could be a possible reality. But for that to happen, Cas had to want him back. And after that last conversation with his friend, he was beginning (more than ever) to believe that he was deluded on that ground. It was frustrating more than anything... and kind of sad..._

_What he needed was for Cas to say something or maybe do something, which made his feelings truly obvious, undoubtable. Which ever way they should fall..._

_Of course, the most straightforward way to determine this would just be to ask. Ha! Yeah... that's never gonna happen!_

_Just at that moment, Cas returned to his room, once again carrying a tray. This time it was loaded up with a knife, two spoons, a couple of plates, a small tub of vanilla ice cream and a 'family' sized pie._

_Fuck. Maybe he does love me, Dean thought, watching his friend adoringly as he set the tray down on the side and raised his eyebrows questioningly._

_'I thought you might want pie, seeing as you broke your leg. I bought one on the way here... Do you want pie?'_

_'Hell, yeah!' said Dean enthusiastically, an uncontrollable smile splitting his face. Calm down, it doesn't mean anything... he's just being nice... but he didn't want to believe his own reprimands. Cas smiled back and it was one of those weird moments when they were just staring and no one was saying anything. Normally it would be Dean who couldn't stand the mounting tension any longer. He would clear his throat, make a joke, walk away... but this time he just kept on staring... maybe he didn't want to pretend any more..._

_So it was Cas who eventually tore his eyes away and maybe Dean was a little disappointed and maybe he figured there was room for pretending for just a little longer yet... because, damn - that was a scary path he was headed down otherwise... nothing like denial, he thought to himself as Cas cut a couple of slices of pie. He noticed how his slice was considerably larger than Cas's (not that he was complaining) but Cas got a little more ice cream._

_They ate in silence, occasionally exchanging a glance from which Cas would quickly look away. This was always followed by Dean internally chastising himself in his desperation to hold his friend's attention for more than a second. Eventually their plates were scraped clean, Cas piled everything back up on the tray and started to speak: 'What I said before- I mean... I don't know what I mean...' he stopped there, apparently thinking. He looked like he was having some kind of internal battle. Dean's heart was thudding so loudly in his chest he was sure Cas would be able to hear it. 'I don't think I was being entirely honest with you...'_

_'What d'you mean?'_

_'I mean that I'm not just doing this to give myself a purpose...' his rough voice trembled slightly as he went on, 'I'm doing this because I - I care about you... I want to look after you... it feels good.' Dean stared but he didn't say anything. He couldn't. 'It's not like doing other good deeds. Somehow it's seems more selfish than that... I can't explain it...' he looked utterly perplexed, a deep frown creasing above his eyebrows and Dean wanted to reach out a hand and brush it away but he couldn't. Not yet. Instead he said;_

_'You don't have to explain it.'_

_'I don't?'_

_'No. Y'know , if it was the other way round...' and he was almost whispering as he said, '...I'd wanna look after you too, right?'_

_Cas nods imperceptibly as though he's never doubted it but continues to frown. 'Buy why-?'_

_''Cause I care about you too, man.' Dean blurted out before he could stop himself. Cas squinted disbelievingly at him._

_'Not like that. Not in the same way.'_

_'What way-?' Dean began but then Cas apparently thinking he'd said too much was getting to his feet, tray in hand, heading for the door. Dean wanted to scream. Even though normally he hated these kind of conversations, he was desperate to know if Cas meant what he thought he did, what he hoped he did. Because of course Cas would be sure Dean wouldn't return his feelings, having never revealed his actual sexuality to him (or pretty much anyone else for that matter)._

_And of course Cas was at least as emotionally screwed as he was, considering he was still pretty new to the whole emotion thing and everything that went with them._

_So maybe he did return his feelings? Dean decided he would allow himself to believe that for a good five minutes, even if it was only within the confines of his own imagination. Screw reality. Reality has a habit of sucking (and more often than not, not in the good way)._

 

_____

 

 

It was the strangest thing. Cas had called, said it was urgent. It couldn't wait, not another second.

They were staying at some skeevy motel were the sheets looked like they'd never been cleaned and there was a weird stain on the wall, completely unidentifiable. But at least it wasn't blood. Not that Dean would have been a stranger to that situation. Sam had taken a quick glance around and looked like he was going to hurl. 'Seriously?'

Not so squeamish, Dean had simply started folding up an old shirt over his pillow as an alternative to the current pillowcase which had definitely seen better days. Rather safe than sorry. 'Wow this place sucks,' he'd responded. 'But it's the last motel for miles and I dunno 'bout you but I'm god awful tired.'

'I know. I know...' Sam trailed off and started peeling back the sheets on his bed apprehensively as though scared of what he might find underneath. 'I swear, they probably have bed bugs here.' Dean snorted. He was probably right, there was no way this place was passing any health and safety checks any time soon. Although from the looks of the motel manager they'd met at reception, they doubted he'd care.

Dean opted out of the sheets and decided he'd risk the chill, lying on top. He grabbed his phone and groaned when he realised he'd had three missed calls, voice mails and several messages. All from Castiel.

\- Dean, I need to talk to you.

\- Dean, it is a matter of urgency.

\- Dean, where are you?

\- Dean, are you okay?

\- Dean, I grow concerned. I'm aware that you are probably driving but it has been some time since my first call.

Dean checked his phone, the first call had only been about an hour before that last message. 'Fucks sake, Cas!'

'Something wrong?' Sam looked over from where he was unsuccessfully trying to make himself comfortable. It was doubly difficult, owing to the size of the bed. It seemed no matter how he lay, a part of him (usually his legs) was left hanging well over the mattress. Dean watched for a second in mild amusement. 'Dude, we need to get back to the bunker!'

'I know, I know. Dunno what's up with Cas. Says it's urgent.'

'It's nearly always urgent with Cas.'

Dean opens his mouth, about to jump in and defend his friend but winds up closing it as he changes his mind. His brother is kind of right after all. 'Yeah, he's friggin' impatient as hell too,' he says grumpily, deciding to ignore the voice mails and just call him straight back. The phone barely rings once before it's answered.

'Dean?'

'Hey, Cas. It's me. What's with the SOS?'

'Hello, Dean,' he certainly doesn't sound like he's in an emergency, his voice is too calm. On the other end of the line, Dean hears the sound of his friend clearing his throat. 'Yes, I need to see you,' he sounds nervous, which is kind of weird, Cas is hardly ever nervous. Dean could probably count the times he had seen Cas nervous on one hand. There was that one time with Chastity... wow, that had been a douchey move... but it was really kind of a rare trait in the angel... in any angel come to think of it...

'Yeah, okay,' answers Dean, unthinkingly. Suddenly the fact that he is dead on his feet seems a matter of no concern. 'When can you get here?'

'Where are you?' Dean gives him the address. 'I can be there in about an hour. Is Sam there?'

'Yeah.'

'Dean I- I need to speak with you alone,' the hesitation seems uncharacteristic too and Dean finds himself intrigued.

'Oh, okay.' From across the room Sam is propped up on one elbow, looking at him questioningly, his eyebrows raised as though to say; should I go grab the shotgun? Dean shakes his head and Sam, looking relieved settles back on his pillow. 'Should I meet you half way?' Sam raises his eyebrows again at that last question but doesn't say anything. Dean and Cas agree to meet up half way and hang up their phones. Dean stares at his phone for a second - what the hell is going on? - before Sam interrupts his inner monologue.

'What's going on?'

'Gonna head out,' Dean says, sliding back into the jacket he'd just discarded. 'Meet Cas. Dunno what's going on but he says it's important so... I dunno...'

'Thought you was too tired to drive?'

'Yeah, well...' and Dean doesn't really have a good answer to that.

Half an hour later he swerves to a stop on some empty road having just seen Cas's pimp mobile shuddering along on the opposite side. He watched as the car turned in the road and drove back towards him, parking behind the Impala, the whole thing convulsing as it came to a complete stop. Dean shook his head sadly at his friend's poor choice of car. But he was smirking fondly as Castiel got out of the driver's side.

'Hey, Cas.'

'Hello Dean.'

'So, what's the problem?'

Cas cocked his head on one side, 'As far as I am aware, there is no problem.'

'Right, okay. Well I'll just go back to bed then - seriously, Cas! What the fuck?'

'Um.'

'I'm exhausted!' Dean moved around to the front of his car and rested against the hood. 'You said it was urgent?'

'Ah, yes. I see...' Cas followed him around but kept an unusually large distance between them - Dean actually found himself a little disappointed, he wasn't used to Cas having an ordinary awareness of personal space. He almost asked him to come closer but stopped himself just in time. Wow, he can be a selfish prick sometimes... he was so used to having Cas as his friend that sometimes he half forgot that he was actually an angel.

'I'm sorry if this is an inconvenient time but I needed to talk to you.'

'And what - it couldn't wait until tomorrow?'

Cas frowned. 'Nothing will have changed by the morning, I'll admit but... that's kind of the point. I find myself bogged down with these thoughts and I've already waited long enough to part them with you. I can not concentrate, I can not think of anything else without having these other thoughts pressing in on me. I feel as though it may be clouding my judgement and is certainly making everything more difficult.'

Dean sighed, he really wasn't in the mood for angel angsting. He stared down at his feet for a second before forcing himself to look up at his friend. 'Right, okay. Lets get this over with.' Cas took a couple of steps closer, a frown creasing his head, possibly sensing Dean's reluctance.

'This is a lot more difficult than I had previously imagined.' It was Dean's turn to frown. What exactly is going on in that feathery head of his anyway? 'It is hard to explain, although before this moment I thought I had all the right words thought out in my head. But now they seem like the wrong words.' Dean could totally get were Cas was coming from.

'Heck, you're not the only one who finds it hard to put thoughts into words, Cas,' he said reassuringly, running a hand over the back of his head. 'It's a pain in the ass even if you've been human your whole life.' Cas nodded and took another wary step closer. 'What's with the distance today, anyway?' Dean motioned between them. 'You look like you're scared to get too close,' he was well aware that he sounded like he was complaining but he hoped Cas wouldn't notice.

'I am,' Cas admitted.

'Scared? Of me?'

'No, not of you - although I'm sure most people, of the supernatural and otherwise, do find you most formidable.' Dean smirked. 'I'm scared of myself. That I can't hold myself back anymore, although I try.' And as though to illustrate the point he took a couple more steps closer to Dean. He was pretty close now and Dean, backed up against the Impala, wasn't able to move away even if he'd actually wanted to. But he didn't want to. He couldn't even tear his eyes away from his friend at this distance, let alone the entirety of his body. And the way Cas was looking at him, he did look scared, definitely. But there was something else too. Something like pleading, a desperation in his blazing blue eyes, to have Dean understand him. 'I need to explain myself, I need to tell you-'

'Tell me what, Cas?' He had no idea what was going on in his angel's head as he said, 'Is there maybe some way you can show me, instead? If you can't get it into words?'

'I - I'm not sure. Well, yes... maybe...' he took another step forward and one of his legs was ever so slightly brushing against one of Dean's now. They both looked down in confusion, both feeling the pull, both holding back. Dean looked back up at his friend, his heart in his mouth as he softly said, 'Show me, Cas.' It wasn't a question, it was a demand and maybe that's why Cas acted without hesitation when before he had been all contradictions.

He took another step closer, sliding one of his legs between Dean's and before Dean could question what the hell was going on, he'd leaned into him and pressed their lips together. Dean's eyes blew wide with surprise but his lips responded on automatic and Cas was kissing him so perfectly that he found himself not caring, closing his eyes and giving into it entirely. He wrapped his arms around his neck, somehow letting him know without words that this was okay, this was wanted, this was good. And Cas's arms snaked around his waist, drawing their bodies closer together, leaning into him, pressing him backwards and for lack of a wall, Dean found himself being pressed backwards over the hood of his car and he let it happen because damn, it felt good for someone else to take control and besides he had wanted this for so long anyway, why would he resist? Cas moved with Dean so that he was laid horizontally on top of him but Dean wasn't complaining as he had feared he would, so he carried on pressing into him, letting the kiss deepen but then he became distinctly aware that his friend possibly needed to come up for air and shortened the kiss accordingly but he didn't move his lips more than a millimeter away from Dean's. Dean gave a short gasp of air and then found himself muttering, 'Please don't stop,' but he'd barely finished the sentence before Cas's lips were back on his. Dean let his tongue slither out, desperate from the tightening in his jeans, to let things progress a little further. He brushed his tongue up against Cas's bottom lip and Cas made a small noise. Dean's tongue darted in without hesitation, licking around his friends mouth and giving a little moan of his own when Cas tried to replicate the manoeuver. He pressed on insistently and Dean wondered briefly if his friend was even really enjoying this. He gave an experimental wiggle, pushing his groin upwards to align with Cas's. Sure enough the hard outline of Cas's cock pressed back against him. Fuck, he's loving this! There could be no surer confirmation. Fuck, I'm loving this! He actually found himself pulling away from the kiss and looking up at Cas's lust blown eyes. He found himself letting out a peculiar noise when he saw those large dark pupils staring hungrily down at him. The noise seemed only to further provoke the angel and he dropped back down for another kiss that turned Dean's brain to mush.

When Cas pulled up again, he almost seemed to have to shake himself before he could speak. Wow... that's freaking hot! Dean thought.

'I think that is sufficient explanation,' he said sounding a little dazed. 'I assume you understand and return my affections considering your apparent enthusiasm to continue.'

Dean didn't say anything, he suspected if he'd opened his mouth he'd have only spilled gibberish anyway. Instead he found himself nodding fervently and thoughts of sleep and grotty motel rooms long forgotten, pulled Cas back down on top of him until their mouths connected.


	7. Epilogue

Dean came around with a smile on his face. He had a little bit of a growing problem in his pants which took him a minute or two to calm down but then he allowed himself a grin. That was my favorite, he thought but it also seemed the most unlikely. Somehow he thought that if he didn't make a move, then Cas never would. Dude was too patient.

Cas would wait forever for Dean. Dean felt sure of it.

He stared at the door, it didn't seem like Cas was coming back into his room any time soon.

Could he really take the risk? What if he had it backwards? What if Cas was appalled, pushed him away? Told him no...?

The thought was unbearable. But the thought of going on like this for the foreseeable future, with nothing ever changing between them...well, that was unbearable too. Dean sighed, pushing his hand firmly over his face in some kind of physical attempt to clear his head. I can do this! he thought with exaggerated enthusiasm. He sat up in bed, slowly swinging his heavy cast over so that he was just propped on the edge of his mattress. He stared up at the door again before dragging himself to his feet and hobbling across the room.

Fuck, I can't do this! he thought frantically as he reached the door frame. He was about to hobble back over to his bed when he heard him. The sound of Castiel moving about the kitchen. Was he humming? Dean held onto the frame as he listened. Was that Hey, Jude? Dean smirked wondering where his friend had picked up that particular song and then he realized it was probably from himself, sometime or other, singing along to it in the car... he found himself smiling. It would be so easy to go back to bed and whip up another day dream. He could let his imagination wonder down at least another forty-five different avenues before he ran out of ideas, surely... But then nothing would ever change. Was that really what he wanted, to live vicariously through his own fantasies?

Yes. Yes, I do, he thought stubbornly. There was no reason why he had to do this today, after all. There would be loads of other opportunities surely... then Dean remembered how even within the confines of his own imagination, Cas had been in mortal danger two out of five times. It was a sad fact of his friends life that he was kind of in mortal danger on an almost daily basis. How many times had he known Cas to die now? There was always the danger that next time it may be permanent. Especially what with his ever diminishing grace... he could give it up to be human and then it was only a matter of time. Or worse and what Dean feared most at the moment, he might just let it burn out entirely, leaving nothing left of Castiel at all...

And that was just Cas's run of bad luck. It was barely even worth mentioning Dean's own regular encounters with Death. For all he knew, one of them could be dead within a year, a month, a week... tomorrow... He didn't need to live with any more regrets, or die with any more for that matter...

'Fuck, fuck, fuck,' he found himself jabbering under his breath. 'Stop being such a coward - you can do this, Winchester! I can do this? I can do this!' his heart was thundering furiously with nerves and he stared up at the ceiling as he took a deep breath and walked through the door, dragging his heavy cast behind him. He refused to look back.

Dean Winchester was going to go kiss Castiel and nothing on Earth (or Heaven, Hell, Purgatory or anywhere in between) could stop him.

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you think of this. I'd love to hear any comments and constructive criticisms. Hope you like it, Jems.
> 
> P.S. It was originally titled 'Fifty First Kisses' but I figured that was a little ambitious. X
> 
> (P.P.S. You can find me on Tumblr at: onceuponadestiel - feel free to browse and leave me a message :) Jems x)


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